Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
