So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My vagina just recognized that song.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize