i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
