I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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