Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
sex in a hospital.. check
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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