Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
