Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
