Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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