Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
