You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
