You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
