just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize