does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
