I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
