I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
