Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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