i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
