My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
