i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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