Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
