Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
