Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
