Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
