Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
