she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
