I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
