New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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