You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
