I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
