WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
