i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
