First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
