I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
