I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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