how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
