just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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