I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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