it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
