How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize