i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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