i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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