so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
