Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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