so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
