couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize