does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
