got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
