i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
