my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
