i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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