Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
