Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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