there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
