Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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