If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
