Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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